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And on todays menu...

Ello Ello.Well, today was rather boring. I sat here on the computer and looked up some games and anime. Just stuff like that. Played some Xbox. I'm at the last quest in Fable now, but theres still alot of stuff to be done.Anyway, talked to Nicole for abit about being a loser and anime and stuff. Lol. Thats what inspired me to look up some good anime to watch. I found the full "The Guyver: Bio-Booster Armor" series! I'm Dlin' it right now, about 2.5 Gigs. I'm pumpt to be a loser in the future and watch every ep without moving out of my chair. Whoo.Today I had this natural feeling of being down and out for the whole day. Since I woke up I felt really meh-ish. I needa crawl outta my house and go out into the world again like I use to. Sitting around here is dragging me down. My family sucks, they steal everything off me that I have.. And I donno..I miss you..Blah..

When sleeping fails..

Sleeping is one of the things I look forward to most in my day now.. We, besides talking to you, and dreaming that is.But with sleep comes dreaming, and with dreaming comes you. There all linked, and are about the same.. But the stage before sleep is the part of the day I don't look forward too. Laying in my empty bed just longing to hold you makes my eyes tear up. Its one of the hardest parts of my day now, replacing saying bye to you every night while you were still here..The distance is a joke and it feels like we're still together. Thanks to the mindset and feelings we share.This thing is gonna be the end of me, all I do it post post post, but its all I can find that will help me out when I can't talk to you, becuase no one else will really understand.. Well besides you.. And thats all that really matters..

And Yea...

So yea.I got my Xbox from Jones and got ma to drive me to Soby's so I could have an old fasion night like back in the day. Games computer and junk food. I pluged my phone in to rechage and turned it on vibrate. Lots of people were calling me, I just didn't answer. Though everytime it would vibrate I'd look to see the number that was calling, just incase someone important called.Good thing I was looking, becuase I seen a 519 number. First thing that popped into my head was "Must be Nicole?" So I answered and so it was. We talked for afew minutes and yea.. I donno, it was nice of her to call me, I miss hearing her voice alot.. Ahaha I'm a loser.. Saying bye to her on the phone was just as hard as leaving her the last few days she was here, it was weird..*Shrugs* Back to playing Xbox I guess..

Hiho Hiho, its off to Tobins we go?

Alright, best off to start this at where I was coming to town yesterday.At around 4:30 I left for town. The walk was long for some reason. I'd uselly meet Nicole half way to town, so.. I think thats why it felt so long.. Meh..Anyway, I collected everyones money for acid and went to sydney at 6:30 to get it. Came back around 7:30. I had 14 hits. Sadly, I was short one. So Evan who got two, only ended up with one.After this I donno, we went to the show, wasn't all to excitng, besides for when Russ knocked his half stack over, AGAIN. Russ == Champion. lol. Anyway, we desided we were gonna get loaded afterwards at Erics and 4 of us went splits on a 60. We all suck at Math apparently and spent a good hour fighting about how Jones payed all this money and how I owed him money, but ya. We drank.Than magicly lots of booze was gone. Jay poored it into a pop bottle apparently.. But ya.I talked to Nicole on the net a little bit at Eric's.. Urg I hate it. So close yet so far.. I didn't even have the will to drink after that.. But we gathered a few people, me, Jones, Jay and Shane and went on a mission to go see if any mushrooms were growing..Since we didn't have the gas for the adventure, we thought we'd steal it! YAAA!! Good idea! We've done it before and it was easy. Me and Jones got outta the car and baged the plateS. Yes, plateS. Jay had a front plate. So they drove off and me and Jones walked up the road to the point where we'd rip the bags off. We waited..And waited. They didn't come.. We walked back down the road to see if they were coming, only to see them parked on the side of the road with the cops! Busted. LolApparently, they paid for the gas, but they guy still called the cops, and thus they got roped with not showing their plates.. 183 dollar fine. Stinger.. We called Russ and asked him to pick us up. He started his way in, then Jay and Shane drove by and picked us back up and told us what went down. Back on the road to the field.We drove forever and passed the field, hada go backwards a good 10 mins to find it, we're smart.Upon finding the field we tryed to walk in though the woods, no go. We moved the car and tryed some different woods.. Kinda worked, thorn bushes SUCK, so does water.Anyway, we got into the field and looked for mushrooms, found some crazy orange ones. They were wicket cool. I think Jones should have ate it, there was a hosptal up the road, I seen it when we passed the field.. So he wouldn't have died right away. lolThe end result, no mushrooms and a nice fine. Yay for adventures..Right now.. I'm not sure how to feel. My emotions are hitting me in waves.. I'll be happy for abit when my mind is active.. Then I'll see something, anything.. To remind me of the summer.. To remind me of you.. And I'm dragged back down into the deepest darkest erea's of my mind to sulk and wonder what your doing.. And why your not with me right now..When ever I find myself sitting infront of the computer I'll be flicking though the pictures of the summer.. Being happy for a few minutes as I remember the events which lead to each picture, then crashing back down when I feel that empty spot.. Knowing that its not just the summer I'm missing, but more so the person who took the pictures.. </3

"My heart is yours to fill or burst. To break or barry, or wear or as jewellery. Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.." *Flash back to Laurie's going away party the first night*

Lack of sleep

Another night I lie awakeAnother fight I have to takeEndless thoughts, without withdrawKeep me from my sleep.A section from a poem I wrote oh so many years ago that came to be when I awoke today.Sleeping hasn't been the best the past few nights. I've been getting around 4 hours of sleep, and my body hates me for it. I woke up today at 9 for my second class and my nose just bleed all morning. Its a proven fact that when I don't get enough sleep my nose bleeds, lol. Anyway, I have a killer headache along with it, so I didn't goto school again. -.-Theres a show in NW tonight that I might goto if I don't feel like this, so I might have to get a power snooze in so I can go out for the first time in 3 days...No ones been calling me lately. Uselly my phone is ringing all the time, but it hasn't for a few days now. Its odd.I looked around job bank for awhile and made use of the free time I had. Sent my Resume into a few call center's and lied, saying I graduated. I'm gonna see if I can change my courses to coraspondence courses Monday. Then I can work and graduate, it'll be good.I need to work though. Need the money to move out in the new year..Anyway, Ma's home with all the kids, so I'm gonna crawl into the basement to hide from the noise.

And another one of these suckers

1) First Grade Teacher: Mrs. Reed2) Last word you said: It3) Last song you sang: Yellow - The Game4) Last person you hugged: Nicole6) Last time you said 'I love you': Wed mornin'7) Last time you cried: Today8) What's in your CD player: Don't own a CD player9) What color socks are you wearing: None10) What's under your bed: Random dirt11) What time did you wake up today: 8 AM12) Current taste: Pop13) Current hair: Same as always14) Current clothes: Cords15) Current annoyance: My back16) Current longing: Nicole. :/17) Current desktop picture: Random background image18) Current worry: Work.. School.. Distance19) Current hate: MY BACK20) Story behind your username: Macra: MACeachern RAymond21) Current favourite article of clothing: My brown button up shirt and my brown cords that have no bird in them now lmao22) Favourite physical feature of the opposite sex/same sex: Eyes, smile23) Last CD that you bought: The Ozzman acomith24) Favourite place to be: Anywhere as long as I'm with people I care about25) Least favorite place: Alone26) Time you wake up in the morning: 8 am?27) If you could play an instrument, what would it be: Guitar, even though I kinda play anyway.28) Favorite color: White/Brown29) Do you believe in an afterlife: No30) How tall are you: 6`031) Current favourite word/saying: Meow32) Favorite book: Donno33) Favorite season: Fall34) One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: Not to sure.35) Favorite day: Friday36) Where do you want to go: Away..37) What is your career going to be like: Computer Programer38) How many kids do you want?: 239) What kind of car will you have: 71 Buick Riviera Boat Tail40) Type a line you remember from any book: Um..41) A random lyric: TRANSFORMERS! Something evils watching over you, coming from the sky above and theres nothing you can do!42) Identify some things surrounding your computer: LOTS of pop bottles.. um.. My part of a fork, my fan..BASICS1. Who did you give your V card to? Wha?2. What is your sexual orientation? Heterosexual3. Have you ever been with someone of the same sex? No4. If you could take back one person that you've been with, who would it be? Whats done is done5. Do you ever plan on getting married? Someday, but not in a church.. Unless I have to pay the government for it, bastards.6. Do you want to have kids? Yep.7. How many times have you had your heart broken? TwiceALL ABOUT LOVE1. Who was your first crush? Nicole Forward lol2. Who was your first kiss? Your mother :D3. Who was your first total infatuation? Katie, I guess.4. Who was your first true love? KatieANGER1. Who did you last get angry with?: My Mother2. What is your weapon of choice?: Fist, teeth, anything deadly. >:]3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?: Depends on there manlyness level.4. How about of the same sex?: The story of my life.5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?: Big Matty Lol6. What is your pet peeve?: Teeth grinding7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?: Depends.LUST1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)?: Hm, not sure. Not alot.2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? Again, not alot.3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of same/opposite sex?: Mmmm.. Lmao4. Have you "done it"?: "It"? Lol. Yea.5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Face6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?: No?7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Nope. I hope I'm not pregnet though..GREED1. How many credit cards do you own?: 02. What's your guilty pleasure store?: ?3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?: Acid and E party. Woo. Buy a house, move out. Um.. Ya. lol5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?: YAY MEGABUCKS GIVE AWAY6. Have you ever stolen anything?: Yep.7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? 1000+PRIDE1. What are things you've done that you're most proud of?: Not sure2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? Um. Donno again.3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life?: Goto College and get a real job4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?: Sometimes5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?: Yep.6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?: Yep.7. What did you do today that you're proud of?: Sat on my ass for 12 hours. I am the best.LAST BUT NOT LEAST1. Do you love it? ?2. Is it in the air? What?3. Are you happy? Semi-somewhat4. Are you insane? Slighty5. Need anything? Yep..6. Are you glad that this is over? Kinda

The future is now?

So, right now I'm wondering what I want to do with my life again, and finding some new things out and such. I just feel so split and torn right now, I'm not really sure about what I want to do.I'm going to finish highschool, I'll be done of that in January. But what about after that? I really want to get another job and move out of my house. Maybe not to anywhere far away, but just out in general.But then theres schooling after highschool. I've been thinking about going in for a trade the last few days. A quick one year program that will allow me to work in a field for my whole life and make some good money. It sounds really tempting. I've been looking around and a few trades have cought my eye. Industrial Instrumentation Technician is one of the trades that I was looking at. But I'm feeling my joy of computers coming back to me as well. So I'm thinking on going in for IT and studying programing, which can't be done here, but it can be done at Annapolis Valley or at Halifax. So as of right now thats what I'm looking forward to in life..Part of me wants to get the fuck outta here, so taking IT in Halifax would be pretty cool.. But I'm not sure I'm ready to leave everything behind, even if its just for a year of school..I guess right now isn't the best time to be thinking about my future, since I'm kinda unstable as of now. I needa find a way back to the light, the safe place, and back on my feet.

Well then

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||| 78% Schizoid |||||| 30% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 78% Antisocial |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 66% Narcissistic |||||||||||| 50% Avoidant |||||||||||| 42% Dependent |||||||||||| 42% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 46%